I was sitting in the living room and feeling unhappy about where I was at (emotionally, spiritually and physically) and the fact that I had just eaten an entire Arctic Circle shake and contemplating eating an entire bag of popcorn did not help at all. I was reminded that if I don't like how things are, I have to step up and change things. I have learned over the last few years that I am the only one responsible when things don't turn out and I can't sit back and hope everything turns out. I only get to do that after I have genuinely given my best effort.
On my mission I learned that I can do harder things and how satisfying it is to overcome myself. I need to re-embrace that mentality and expect more from myself. I have seen how much that extra effort pays off, and how much happier I am when I push a little harder. It takes lots of organization and discipline with a healthy dose of laughter. I think I need to find ways to laugh more. It's not that I'm not happy, I think I just need to choose to find more joy in the situations I'm in. But it's hard because I feel like I was never happier than when I was with a certain person that I cared about a lot. I know that's not true, because I remember all the laughter and smiles I shared with each of my companions. It's all about how we view life. On my mission I had to look for those tender mercies and enjoy interacting with others and noticing the small details. Some of the best days were when I was soaked to the bone, but took the time to appreciate the sunset that always came after the torrential downpour. Those days happened when I was genuinely interested in my companion and let go of what might be dragging me down-most often it was something I had no control over! I know that kind of happiness is within my grasp-it's amazing how hard it is to let go of our self-pity though!
The last few months I've forgotten another lesson I learned on my mission. There are few things more important and more life changing than the relationships we cultivate with the people who are already a part of our lives, and the ones who come along as we move trough this chutes and ladders game we call every day life. (I say chutes and ladders game because my life feels like I am constantly climbing up ladders only to land somewhere and slide all the way back down to the bottom and have to start over again. Life could also be compared to a Candyland game. You're breezing along right by the ice cream queens castle and then you draw the card that has the little picture of the green plum monster or the candy cane forest and have to start at the beginning again.)In the past as I have moved into new phases of life I have prayed that I will meet the people that I need to...and I have! Case in point: Alaska. The ladies that I worked with were incredible, and the friends I made up there influenced and lifted me up a lot. Plus they didn't abandon me when my life became the plot of a tv soap opera! Heavenly Father helps us find the people that we need to get us through what we are dealing with, and He helps us know through them that we are loved and that we are not alone. Sometimes those people stay in our lives for a long time, and sometimes we only get to enjoy them for a short time before life moves you in different directions. That doesn't make them any less important, it just means that their part in your story is over and there are other characters who have yet to make their grand entrance.
As this new year begins, I want to leave behind the gray skies I've let hang over me for the last few months and find the sunshine again. It still might take some time, but what's important is that I want it. I want to find new people who make me happy and help me be my best self, and I want to stay connected with those I already have. Is it a lot of work to make that effort? Yes! But it's worth it. I don't want to settle for less than my best effort. I want to work on a goal that I set for myself my first day in Taiwan; smile til my cheeks hurt.
Here. We. Go.
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